Well I went in for my specialist appointment today to check up on the cornea graft and get my other cornea scanned.
The anxiety build-up before these appointments is incredible. It consumes me for days beforehand and it’s hard to think of anything else. I know that it’s not good to focus on negative things but my ability to see is so important to me and the thought of more surgery on that eye terrifies me.
As you read in my 22 July post, I’ve been doing visualisations of my cornea healing and eating really healthy so I’m pretty pumped to show the doctors that I can beat this. I’m ready for a scan result of over 500 for the thinnest part of my cornea. The result...... was way below 500. Sigh. God help me.
It was 470. Oh fuck it's the worst result I've had yet. It means the good result that I got last month of 520 was not the miracle I was hoping for.
The doctor talked to me again about needing cross-linking surgery to slow or stop the deterioration. I raised my concern about the surgery not been performed twice on the one eye very often and the risk of it causing blindness and he said that my circumstances are rare that it might be the best chance I have of maintaining sight.
Holy crap. This is not cool. I don’t want this surgery. How can I possibly sit through the surgery and the hours and days following being terrified that my sight might not return? There was a risk of going blind the first time it was performed on my eyes but I was happy to accept that as it was a chance at saving what sight I had. But now I don’t have much sight at all from my right eye, I can’t even see that there are letters on the eye chart without my glasses, so why would I risk going to anything worse?? The procedure wasn’t successful in either eye the first time so I’m not convinced that going through all the stress, heartache, pain and financial loss from not being able to go to work will be worth it.
The doctor is referring me to an allergy doctor as he wants to get my allergies under control before we look at doing the cross-linking. Apparently the first two cross-linking procedures may not have worked if my body was suffering any allergies. I’m not sure what that means specifically, but I do have eczema, asthma, hay fever and severe nut and tropical fruit allergies, so it is a feasible connection. How do I feel? I don’t want this to happen to me I want to be an inspiring person, I want to help people get through adversity I want to be a resilient person. But I didn't want to go blind.
I am at peace with what is...