I have been quiet these past few weeks as I’m adjusting to the vision changes post surgery.
The eye that had surgery is fluctuating. In the first week or two I had amazing vision and then it dropped to 50% vision, then to blurry and double vision, and now it's down to about 30% blurry double vision, perhaps less. My brain has also decided that the prescription for my right eye is too strong I need to squint and relieve the pressure when I try doing any short-distance activities like talking to someone or cooking or cleaning. I’m really struggling to move around or do general house tasks. I get dizzy and the muscles around my cheeks are almost constantly aching and pinching. The eyes are both straining and not sure what to do, so vision bounces from some vision to blurred vision. All of the processing for my brain is making me exhausted. I spend soooo much time resting and sleeping or in a state of fatigue and exhaustion, not able to comprehend time or reality and having to almost shake my head awake. I needed some time to process it all.
It's quite hard on one's heart and soul to go from a pre-surgery prognosis of aiming for 20/20 vision and no glasses; to on the day of surgery being told ‘the implant has taken well, you'll be able to see Nat, you'll have full use of your life again'; to actually being able to see things long distance and up close without glasses for a week...to have one's dream come true .... to believe that I actually healed myself ... that the doctors have actually healed me...
and then ...
within a few short weeks ...
....the vision blurring over again. It’s a shame, and not what the surgeon had predicted. Not the best outcome that I'd hoped for either. I’m ok with whatever happens. I don’t mind my vision level so much but the debilitating migraines and ongoing fatigue make it hard to live a productive life. I like to live an active life and do all the things that make my heart sing, to give service to others and well, simply not be stuck in bed for most of the day. So if I practice what I preach ... looks like I might need to find more restful activities that make me happy.
So what's next on my journey ... I'm letting go of the fact that I'm meant to be at work and have made a new plan. The human mind likes to have order and routine, especially when there are unknowns, so plan B currently looks like this:
wait til 3 April to see my specialist and get the last stitch out and an update on wtf is happening
4-8 weeks of allowing my eye to settle
around June potentially getting some glasses to correct the double vision
And sometime after then I should know how my brain is handling it all and what my level of daily activity can be.
I do miss working, after having an amazing year off I am keen to get back into the working world. But it looks like the universe has other plans for me, so I’m going to take a breath, chill out and go with the flow. Everything always turns out for the best in the end and I know it will again I go from glasses on to glasses off a few times each hour to try and reduce the strain and headaches. Glasses help me see but cause tension headaches and without glasses I can’t see enough to make it functional. For me Life is about finding the happiness. We can choose how long we suffer for and if we want to be happy.
Life is not meant to be easy, and there are always going to be trials and tribulations, things that make us sad, that challenge us and that make us question why we exist. We can choose to buy into that stress, or we can choose to accept that stress is going to happen and find happiness anyway. I don’t mean a fake, 'let’s say positive affirmations and hope we are ok' type of happy, I mean a soul fulfilling, heart warming, face brightening happy.
For each moment that I’m happy, is a moment that I’ve beaten life’s stress and suffering. I was suffering when I was trying to go against my body’s needs and be active. I really wanted to be designing my new Wellness with Nat programs and tea subscription service before I go back to the office. But I barely have more than 2-5 hours a day of interrupted activity and if I get to 4 or 5 hours on two days in a row, I'm bed ridden and sleeping for a whole day after. So I listened to my body and remembered how well I healed while I was in retreat.
No external distractions.
Not indulging any of my senses.
Listening to the dharma (buddhist teachings).
Retreating inward. So life goals, biz plans and return to work plans are all on hold for a few more month. The new plan is to live each day as my body allows, connect with my friends and family, remember all of the wonderful things I’ve done and the things I’m grateful for.
So much simpler.
I can feel the stress and pressure of having to achieve and perform lifted.
I remind myself that time goes on anyway.