The Pink Frog (anxiety)

The Pink Frog anxiety

So in my last blog I coined the name The Pink Frog to explain the feeling of anxiety that takes over my tummy and my life, just like the black dog is to depression.

Before my emergency cornea graft I was already struggling with life. Losing vision in both eyes with a rare, untreatable cornea disease in less than two years is a big upheaval. Most of the things I used to do I can't do the same now, and this year has been exceptionally hard. I'm struggling getting through the working day because the computer screens and fluro lights reflect off the hard contact lenses and irritating my eyes, pinching eyes and eyelids until they're red, watering and painful. I don't go out for dinner on a weeknight much as I can't drive at night without my contacts, as I get 8-10 hours wear from them, enough for some morning exercise and driving to and from work. I feel like I'm living to work and that I don't get to live my life.

I've had three glasses prescriptions within 4 months, trying to salvage some vision from my right eye as my cornea continues to change shape or degenerate. My left eye had lost so much vision that no glasses could help that eye. I would give anything in the world for a pair of glasses that work enough for me to use the computer and drive. I pray many times each day, please God please let my eyes improve enough for glasses, please let me have my life back.

In January 2014 I enrolled in a course to become a health and wellbeing coach, but had to delay my study as I underwent cross-linking surgery in my right eye and I found it hard to work on the computer during the day at work and to then come home and study. I got an extension and picked up my study again in November that year and I pushed through with my new study buddies until the Pink Frog got so strong in March that I had trouble concentrating. I'm determined to finish my Cert 4 in Life Coaching this year and then continue on to the health and wellbeing component.

My other goal for the year was to tone up and strengthen my body. Well that wasn't happening either because of the pain from my eyes, I was getting depressed and anxious and just couldn't keep to a workout routine. The Pink Frog would convince me that I didn't need to work out today, or why bother working out, it'll just take up time I could spend studying.

The Pink Frog hit the hardest for me five weeks ago when I had to leave during a yoga class because the contacts were scratching my eyes more than I could handle. What is going? Why is 'God' taking away my yoga? Everything else I could handle, but yoga is my one outlet where I get to work on my body, mind and spirit, where I go in feeling blah and I come out feeling rejuvenated.

I fell into a spiral and I couldn't get myself out. Why is every activity being taken away from me? Why can't I live my life the way I want to? I know that blind people get through life perfectly ok and there are so many assistant aids out there that I can use to do things, but that's not how I want to live my life, I'm not accepting this...